Relief, Part 2

12.4.16 | 9w1d pregnant





I had my follow up ultrasound last week and it was another huge sigh of relief.

I didn't feel as nervous going into this one as I did the first one, because I haven't bled or spotted and I've been feeling really freaking first trimester-y (sick). But also, I'm focusing on positive thinking about this baby, because THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Nate was able to come with me again to this scan, which was a nice surprise. We had the same ultrasound tech and this time she didn't even have to do the vaginal part of the test, just abdominal (thank you, Lord). I also had to pee like a racehorse again but not nearly as brutal as the first go around.

She kept the screen tilted away from us but if I strained my eyes hard enough, I could still see what was going on. I saw the baby but couldn't see a heartbeat, and then I started to panic. The babe definitely looked bigger to me but shouldn't that heartbeat be really easy to see? I glanced over at Nate one time with a nervous grin and he looked calm, which helped me remember to breathe. She took a bunch of measurements before saying a single word, then finally, about 15 minutes later, she turned the screen towards us.

'So there is baby, much bigger this time. Heartbeat is 168, measuring appropriately for this age. And here is that blood, it's still there but maybe a little smaller. I don't know, I don't have the old measurements in front of me.'

(BREATHE. Breathe, Julia).

And then we saw this little gummy bear kick it's leg out and wiggle it's fat stomach a bit. Seriously. At just 8w5d, this baby was noticeably moving in there!

'Um, did the baby just move,' I asked? I didn't feel it but I saw it.

'Yes, it's moving a little, you're right.'

I am telling you one thing for certain: seeing that little blob on the screen move and have an actual beating heart? It never, ever gets old. This is our baby. This is our fourth child, just growing and existing and doing what it's supposed to do in there. We didn't plan for this and couldn't have imagined a life that included four kids and yet, this is our story. I believe it wasn't our plan, but it was for sure God's plan. Like my friend said, even before Nate and I walked down the aisle as husband and wife, God knew our story included four kids. There's a baby in there under the bloat, people. A baby.



We left the office and hugged a little, before going our separate ways. I called Mom with the update and then Memaw, telling her the news for the first time. It never gets old telling her the news of another great-grandchild, and she was just as shocked as the other three times I've told her.

I still haven't heard from the OB office about the official results of the ultrasound, which is odd since last time they called within an hour to tell me about the bleed. I have my first office appointment in another week and then I've decided to carry my own health insurance next year (again), so that I can return to my beloved OB who oversaw my other pregnancies. She's worth the added cost, both Nate and I have agreed on this.

My doppler has been pulled from the attic, I'm glad I didn't sell it yet! I haven't tried it though, since I just had the good ultrasound and am not feeling too panicky at this moment. I think I'll be able to find it when I do try though, maybe I should stick to once per week to maintain some sanity.

I really feel pretty awful, but I'm trying to talk myself through it. I feel queasy in the morning, hungry but nothing sounds good. I'm fine while eating but afterwards is iffy. I only want salt and cheese, preferably melted cheese on some sort of carb. All carbs sound pretty good, not sugary ones but salty ones. My ideal meal is currently a bagel and cream cheese. I haven't had a bagel in...I don't know how long, but my friend dropped some off for me and they hit the spot. All vegetables are dry heave-inducing but I'm trying to consume a few anyway. I still choke down some coffee in the morning but not even a full cup. I'm not running at all and honestly don't miss it because the thought makes me want to puke. I also don't even care that I can't have a beer or wine, because those also sound disgusting. I mean, who am I right now?? No running, alcohol, coffee....I'm a changed woman, apparently!

As we head into full-swing Christmas season, I can't help but feel a strange sense of calm in the midst of pure chaos. Another baby. Wow.